ebb: (Heartbroken)
([personal profile] ebb Apr. 21st, 2009 04:49 pm)
[Level – Public]
(so that those few of you from his lj and not mine can see this)

So, August 1st 2004 was an important day in the lives of [livejournal.com profile] devalmont and [livejournal.com profile] ebb. It was (as we both agree) the day we officially got together as a couple, though it had been on the cards for a little while. Since that time, we’ve been through ups, downs and have become desperately good friends. I love him to bits and he tells and shows me that he loves me to bits too. Which is why it’s with a bit of sadness that April 20th 2009 needs to be mentioned, as it’s the day we decided to move on to other things.

The main reason I’m writing this is to re-assure you all that… we’re okay. We’re not wonderful, there’s no dancing from chandeliers. But we’re okay. The other reason I’m mentioning this on good ‘ole lj is that I don’t want people to be confused and wonder what is going on, but I don’t want to repeat the whole thing lots of times.

Rich and I were originally going to tell people who needed to be aware as it came up, because we don’t want to go ‘staple hand to forhead… oh the dRaMah!’ and often posts like this can come across that way. (We've both tried to directly contact the people we want to initially tell but we're bound to have missed some of you unintentionally as we're both a bit wooley right now, obviously. Sorry for that.) But at least this way, the risk of someone asking ‘So, how are you and Em/Rich?’ and us subsequently being thoroughly odd and having to say ‘Erm, we’re no longer together’, leaving them and us feeling awkward, is reduced.

There are bound to be wobbles as we both adjust – we’ve been together for a little over 4 ½ years and it’s going to take a little while to get used to not doing all the stupid couple-y things we’ve done every day in that time. This morning was the hardest – getting up on my own, leaving the house without kissing him goodbye. Having to check he didn’t need in to clean his teeth before I jumped into the shower rather than just leaving the door ajar for him. Not saying ‘I love you’ as we came off the phone. Wondering who’s going to be mad enough to lift me up by the ears, or stamp-kiss me, or do kissy-nose. All the little things you take for granted. It’s going to take me a little while to get used to being single again and after that, it might take me a little while to like it. But with you lot being the wonderful friends you are, I’m sure we’ll get through it relatively well. Just be patient with us.

There isn’t a big dramatic story. It isn’t nasty. There are no third parties involved. There wasn’t one huge big argument. It was all remarkably calm. It was mutual. We just want and need different things and both recognise that we’d be happier as friends and with other people than we are together. It’s not easy to let go of something but on this occasion, it’s the right thing to do. Neither of us can see things moving past this point now and it’s causing us, for different reasons, a lot of pain and frustration. It was at the point where we weren’t getting on at all – and I don’t want to resent and be bitter about my relationship. We care too much about each other and whilst we’ve let this negative situation go on for a little while in the hopes that things would improve, it’s clear to both of us that it isn’t going to be the case. We’ve both tried our best to make this work but it’s best to end things in a civil way whilst we’re still good friends rather than lose everything.

We’ll be continuing to co-habit for a while. This might prove easy, it might not. And I’m sure a few of you will be thinking that’s the mother of all bad ideas. But I don’t think either of us has the energy to start packing up lots of boxes, house hunting, moving and getting used to new house-mates right now. We’re hoping that we can be respectful of each other’s need for privacy and space, and that we can both employ tact and discretion. We’re in the process of re-organising the house so that it’s easier to have space and have our own things beside us – and as we’ve had a spare bed in the house since pretty much the start, we both have somewhere comfortable to sleep so no need to worry about back-aches! So if you get an invite around to the house, don’t worry – you aren’t walking into a war zone. If we start to feel that it’s not working, we’ll deal with moving and so on then but in the meantime, we just need a bit of recovery time.

If you see us out and about separately, or together as friends, don’t be concerned. Please don’t feel that if you’re inviting me, you can’t invite Richard and vice versa (unless of course it’s very non-me like footie or non-him like shopping spree!). If you see us with other people, you’ll understand why and trust that we’ll not be keeping dates etc from each other but that we won’t be going over-board on detail sharing either.

That said, I doubt either of us will be moving rapidly on to other people – we both need time to decide what’s next. We’ll keep each other informed of those kind of things as and when, out of courtesy, of course.

Tea, hugs, sympathy will all be very much appreciated but not wholly necessary – honestly, coping okay. But feel free to drag me out to things, I might have a tendency to hermit otherwise. I’m pretty sure Rich will say a similar thing!

Lastly, I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship – we both did. I don’t regret a second of it and I’m sad to see it go. But I’m happy that I’ve got a wonderful friend at the end of it and I’m convinced we’re both doing the best thing for each other and for ourselves. The time is right to move on. Regardless, thanks for our time together Rich, it was really special. x

From: [identity profile] karohemd.livejournal.com

I'm sorry to hear that but I'm glad it's an amiable split and I won't have to be careful about taking sides or inviting the wrong people to the wrong party.

Being one of the factors in you getting together in the first place (if I hadn't gone to Brum that night or [livejournal.com profile] poetman hadn't decided to come along, you might never have) I always felt a bit of pride in your relationship while not actually having been the matchmaker as such.

You guys rock and I wish you all the best for your futures.

*positive vibes*

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

It's the most pleasant break-up I've had, if such a thing can be said to be pleasant.

Thanks Ozzy x
ext_283774: Made by me (Default)

From: [identity profile] neojezebel.livejournal.com

I'm so sorry to hear that sweetheart, truly. I'm glad that it's been amicable, and even though you've been together for so long, you still intend on being friends. Sending you both good thoughts and wishes for the future *squish*

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

We're going to try our best - thanks for the thoughts and wishes and squishes. x

From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/melancholyrose_/

As sad as it is, if you both want different things then it sounds as though it's for the best.
As long as it stays amicable then you will both get your heads sorted out and move on sooner rather than later.
Sometimes people grow apart and it is nobody's fault, in the end if you can keep your friendship then that's the most important thing.
Pity you aren't coming to Whitby after all.

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

Lol - Whitby to a fresh singleton is like fresh meat being thrown to the pirhanas. Not so sure I'm up for it *quite* yet but I'm SO doing November, regardless!

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/melancholyrose_/ - Date: 2009-04-21 06:35 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-21 06:42 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/melancholyrose_/ - Date: 2009-04-21 07:18 pm (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] vinyl-storm.livejournal.com

Oh hun, never a good thing to hear of relationships ending but it sounds like it's for the best. As for the co-habiting bit, me and Nariman continued to live together after we broke up and we actually got on a lot better after the split than before because we were able to just get on with life and each other without the tension in the way. I hope this is the case for you and Rich.

I send many hugs across the Irish Sea xx

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

Considering how soon after 'the split' it is, I'm amazed at how we're coping. Time will tell but yeah, it rings true - there's no awkwardness and anger there like there has been and that means we're both much more relaxed and happy. Or, you know, will be once we're done feeling sorry for ourselves ;)


From: [identity profile] pinkapplejam.livejournal.com

Tears genuinely came to my eyes when I found out at work! I am so sorry to hear it. But of course, I am relieved it is amicable decision and that it is one solid friendship. You are both so awesome!!!

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

Oh hun! No tears, it's all going to be okay! ...erm, yeah, I think that should be the other way round but seriously, it's fine. I've had a little snivel about it but it's in joy at what we had and not in regret or pain and what we no longer have. xx

From: [identity profile] miss-corinne.livejournal.com

*cuddles* thank you for explaining it all so clearly, hon. I'm sad for you both, and I hope you can now move onwards and upwards to where you really want to be.

*more cuddles*

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

Thanks sweetie - you'll be seeing a lot more of me in Brum and Leeds etc :)

From: [identity profile] autumn-storm.livejournal.com


You know that I am always here for you and if you need us there, or you want to come over we'll always be there for you.

From: [identity profile] angelkitty101.livejournal.com

Hugs and internet tea, with the offer of a coffee meetup always available.

Well done on the explaining, hope the cohabiting goes well. You are a fabulous woman btw, and should be reminded of it often!

From: [identity profile] rougenoire.livejournal.com

I'm sorry to hear that hon, hope the way is nice and uncomplicated for you and you find what you need from here.

From: [identity profile] mansunite.livejournal.com

*überhugs* to you both.
You both were the last people I though would ever part from each others love. Take care.

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

thanks sweetie - I guess we haven't given up on love, we just accept it's a different sort.

From: [identity profile] daevid.livejournal.com

That has come as a surprise O_O

I hope the two of you are okay and that things will look brighter soon.

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

We're actually a little surprised at how many people haven't said that - I think the rising tensions must have been obvious to our nearest and dearest even if we weren't telling them.

If you feel like a petrol buddy on your Leeds jaunts, holler, I've been wanting to Black Sheep / Bendymouse for AGES! x

From: [identity profile] notintheseheels.livejournal.com

I'm glad to see from this post that it seems you'll both be okay, at least. Still sad news, take care.

From: [identity profile] ulfilias.livejournal.com

Ack....Not good news...Splits never are. But as one who has gone through it (and still am to an extent) i'd like to say i'm here for both of you (i refuse and will never take sides and always try to be impartial).

I did start wondering about bits with one or two lj/fb posts, clearing out, making space etc.

I don't know if Huntingdons of *any* use, but i have a big house for the moment with a spare king size bedroom that either of you are welcome to borrow if you need space for a few days or whatever. Have cats too that are great for cuddles.

More than welcome to meet up, bug me, grab an ear or latch on to my travels if you want / need to get out.

As a side. I think you are brave trying the living together...Me and Suzi split fairly well and tried it....not the best for all sorts of reasons...the healing only really starts when apart and you force yourself not to think of what the other is doing....Damn hard....I recall once i drove past Suzi's new place without thinking "don't look" and i was elated, just to see her wandering down the street....

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com


I hear exactly what you're saying and I don't know that we'll manage it long term but we've agreed that the second it becomes difficult, we'll look at other options. At least this way though, we can get organised as to who has what without throwing everything straight into boxes straight away.

That's a really sweet offer - I might come through for a night of films and cats at some point shortly if that's ok. OH! And as you're always zipping back and forth to our friends up north, let me know if you want a petrol buddy/can cope with a passenger. I intend to 'get out of the house' quite a bit, initially by forcing myself and then hopefully I'll be so busy doing things, I won't notice I'm spending no time sitting around moping...

Know what you mean about the house thing. One of my exes (THE ex, we all have one) old houses still makes me wince on the exceedingly rare occasion I'm anywhere near it, and we're talking... erm... 8 years ago now.

Re: Thanks

From: [identity profile] ulfilias.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-22 01:45 pm (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] joetimewaster.livejournal.com

Oh dear, what a sad yet remarkably philosophical post that ends quite positivly and, I thought, maturely.

Have some *hugs*

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

:) - Thank you, that's nice to hear. We've seen quite a few other couples call it a day recently, and some have been much better behaved about it than others - I've been inspired.

There's no blame and there's no need for making a difficult situation worse by being petty. Things sometimes just don't work out but what's the point in spending nearly 5 years with someone, then throwing away that friendship by being catty because you've both decided it's run its course?

I *aim* to remain friends with exes, apart from anything else you're the only two people who really fully know what went on and after a little space and time, can become very close and special friends. Several of my exes are on speed dial (not that I talk to them often or that their presence in my life has been a sticking point with current partners) - they know me better than most, having seen me at my best and worst. I count myself as exceedingly lucky that that is the case :D.

Of course, it can't always work out like that and we're both prepared to cut our loses re the house sharing and if needs be, the friendship - but we're both keen to avoid that.

From: [identity profile] avantman42.livejournal.com

Really sorry to hear about that, but at least it's an amicable split. If you fancy coming for a visit, we'd love to see you. We don't have a spare bed, but Birmingham should be close enough for a day trip.

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

It's be lovely to come through - couch/floor is fine for a night now and again (I'm now in Cambridge). I'll give you a shout with possible dates once I'm feeling a little more organised! x

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] avantman42.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 08:33 am (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] the-mendicant.livejournal.com

I'm so sorry that I missed this post - was in the middle of exam fever at the time.

You are both lovely people and deserve to be happy so I am so glad that you have had the sense to put your friendship before your relationship. I wish Greg could feel the same - he says he doesn't want any contact because he doesn't want the reminders.

Sharing a house can work out fine - and is better than suddenly being on your own. Mel and I shared for over a year after we split up, and it wasn't as bad as everyone thought it would be.

My love to both of you xxx

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

It's not a problem sweetie, I suspect quite a few missed it in the Whitby prep too!

Thank you - it's a bit odd at the moment but I'm sure we'll get there. If it doesn't work out, we can look at doing something else :)

*hugs* - really sorry that things can't be friendlier at the moment between you and Greg. Here's hoping you can be at some point in the future.

Em xx

From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_tonylee_/

Sorry hun, I saw this late.

I had the same thing with Tanya - we were together for the same amount of time before one day realising we loved each other as siblings rather than partners - she was the sister I never wanted :-)

Five years on and I'm with a beautiful woman I love, and Tanya and I are still the best of friends, especially as she'll be one of my two 'best men' at my Wedding in a couple of years :)

Chin up, and give my love to R.


From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

No problem - I'm sure we'll be okay, it's just going to be weird for the next few weeks!

Will pass on *manly* hugs to Rich.

Em x

From: [identity profile] davecharsley.livejournal.com

I'm so sorry to read this, you're both such lovely people. My best luck to both of you for the future Em. I think I'm living proof that there's life after long term relationships. Five year's of marriage with Laura and then I met Tracey and we've been married nearly fourteen now!

From: [identity profile] ebb.livejournal.com

thanks Dave - the thought of starting all over again isn't a fun one but this was the right thing, for both of us. It's a shame, but next time... :)

Em x


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