[Level - Public]
(so it can be seen over on Facebook for those of you who've migrated!)

The bedroom is coming along nicely (and I’m taking a day off later this week to move it along a bit more quickly too or, should I get it sorted before then, attack another section of the house, because there’s enough of it to sort!) (and yes, still will take photos once it’s done).

I know you’re all probably sick to the back teeth of hearing about this, but it’s been my main focus for the last week and it’s helped me to get through the first initial wobbles. It has forced me to stay in and put my things, physically, in order, instead of going out on various benders and pub-meets.

Whilst I’d have really liked to go out and play, it would likely have been to the same places as Rich was going – now, I hasten to add, we’re getting on okay (though it’s early days, but I’m hopeful it’ll continue to get easier). But being in the same place as your immediate ex, when all you want to do is relax, enjoy yourself and forget about life and how it’s not quite worked out the way you wanted to for a few hours, isn’t exactly conducive to having the best of times. So as hard as I found the first few nights, I think it was a good and healthy thing that I felt the need to stay in and work on my room.

But, it’s nearly done. And therefore, it’s started to hit home – it’s time to get myself emotionally in order.

Because money and emotions have reduced the amount of time I’ve spent with friends over the last few months, I need to work more on existing friendships and forge new ones. I need to take up things I’ve always wanted to but somehow didn’t find the time (usually with ‘want to spend time with Rich’ being the reason or more often than not, excuse, because if you don’t try something, you can’t fail horribly at it, am I right?). And I need help with this.

I don’t often ask you all if I can come along and join in – because I’m scared that you don’t actually remotely like me and only put up with me because I *was* the girlfriend of a good friend of yours, and that you’ll either say yes and hope I cancel, or will say no which would really hurt.

Now I know this is ludicrous, and this post isn’t meant to have lots of ‘but we love you too Em!’ responses. It’s just that you need to know why I’m useless at suggesting we go do things, and will continue to be useless (with a couple of exceptions), and it’s to ask you to help me out because otherwise I might hermit and that would not be a good thing.

It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you. It’s not that the thing you’ve suggested doesn’t interest me (if it involves sports or heights or mud then it’s a no but other than that, we’re good). I just don’t have a huge amount of faith or confidence (despite how I can come across at times) and I’m sure you don’t want to spend time with me.

There’ll be days where I can’t face leaving the safety of my room. There’ll be nights where there is nothing more interesting to me than sorting out my wardrobe – but this is the shy, quiet, nervous Em who most of you haven’t met. And I need to have times like that.

But what I DON’T need are weeks and weeks like that. And I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that, without Rich and the things that you invite him (and by default, me) to (even when I’ve turned up and he hasn’t for various reasons), I’ll not go anywhere or do anything. I’ll then get lonely. And then I’ll get very miserable.

So please, if you’re doing something and have room for one more, and don’t object to my company, invite me*? Even if I say ‘can’t face it tonight’ or ‘maybe, will see how I feel’ – it will mean a lot to me that you’ve thought of and asked me. I say no when I mean it, yes when I mean it and maybe when I mean it. I try not to be late. I can dress down as well as up (just about) and I need to do things that I wouldn’t normally even consider because, as a not even 30 year old, I’m very stuck in my ways**. And I didn’t used to be. And I don’t WANT to be.

Because unless I’m specifically invited, I think I’m specifically uninvited. Yes, this is admittedly ridiculous and I’ll work on it (always need to battle various head issues) but right now, I don’t have the energy or strength to keep the head demons at bay without a bit of help from you all.

Just… don’t forget about me?

Whiney, moaning, emo, teenage angst post over. Oh, and in addition, aimed at no-one in specific remotely. There are a few of you who are exceedingly good and wonderful at suggesting stuff and inviting me over / coming to visit / pinging me randomly on msn / facebooking me etc – you know who you are and it means the world to me. Please don’t stop!

Em x

* Regardless of whether Rich is going - as I said we’re not avoiding each other but I just needed to not be out and drunk around him the first couple of nights
** Hence my promise to myself that I’m doing the London Marathon next year. I’ll keep mentioning that to you all so you can keep prodding me! It’ll get me healthier and give me a huge boost if I manage even part of it. I’ll be looking at taking up other things too so suggestions welcome.
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