[Level - Public]
(so it can be seen over on Facebook for those of you who've migrated!)

Progress and the last week... )

But, it’s nearly done. And therefore, it’s started to hit home – it’s time to get myself emotionally in order.

YOUR help needed... )

Whiney, moaning, emo, teenage angst post over. Oh, and in addition, aimed at no-one in specific remotely. There are a few of you who are exceedingly good and wonderful at suggesting stuff and inviting me over / coming to visit / pinging me randomly on msn / facebooking me etc – you know who you are and it means the world to me. Please don’t stop!

Em x

Foot-notes! )
ebb: (Heartbroken)
( Apr. 21st, 2009 04:49 pm)
[Level – Public]
(so that those few of you from his lj and not mine can see this)

So, August 1st 2004 was an important day in the lives of [livejournal.com profile] devalmont and [livejournal.com profile] ebb. It was (as we both agree) the day we officially got together as a couple, though it had been on the cards for a little while. Since that time, we’ve been through ups, downs and have become desperately good friends. I love him to bits and he tells and shows me that he loves me to bits too. Which is why it’s with a bit of sadness that April 20th 2009 needs to be mentioned, as it’s the day we decided to move on to other things.

Why this is on lj )

Why and how we've come to this decission )

What's next )

Tea, hugs, sympathy will all be very much appreciated but not wholly necessary – honestly, coping okay. But feel free to drag me out to things, I might have a tendency to hermit otherwise. I’m pretty sure Rich will say a similar thing!

Lastly, I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship – we both did. I don’t regret a second of it and I’m sad to see it go. But I’m happy that I’ve got a wonderful friend at the end of it and I’m convinced we’re both doing the best thing for each other and for ourselves. The time is right to move on. Regardless, thanks for our time together Rich, it was really special. x
[Level - Friends]

So. Last night, I'd yet more nightmares. This time, I was terminally ill and had about six months at best.

I *may* go to the doctors sometime soon, a) to check and see that I'm not at deaths door (I've dreamt about things which have come to fruition and it felt like one of those, so not risking it) and b) to see if there's something he recommends to stop nightmares.

Happy happy joy joy.

*very thunked, tired and out of sorts*

Oh, and sorry for snapping at you this morning - you certainly didn't deserve it. :(

Em xx

(now loling that the 'sad' userpic is of a graveyard.... ugh)
ebb: (Blah)
( Jun. 3rd, 2005 12:21 am)
[Level - Public]

I HATE cv writing.
I DO NOT like having to re-write several times.
I ESPECIALLY dislike removing all soul and energy from it, the bits that make it mine.

Thank you, all of you, for your help. You'll be pleased to know I don't intend to ask any of you ever again for help with CVs. Because you've I don't want to try your patience. I no sooner think I'm going in the right direction and someone contradicts someone elses advice... I'm getting dizzy and feel like I'm wasting my time and going round in circles.

Bugger it, it's staying as it is now. If I apply for any permanent jobs, I'll tweak accordingly but other than that, sod it.

Not the *nicest* of nights, but definately a *good* one if that makes sense. Sitting musing over a couple of words for several hours is never fun but I can deal when it's with a friend.
ebb: (Moody)
( May. 29th, 2004 11:39 pm)
I shan't be posting on here again for a long while except for privately, after a brief write-up of Aston Cantlow and the last couple of weekends which are long overdue a decent posting.

At the end of the day, I doubt many people bother to read or care about what I say, and those that do surround me.

Em
ebb: (Default)
( Feb. 18th, 2004 12:24 am)
I've been rather meepish today. Those who have been subjected to how I've truly felt should know and understand what's going on inside my head by now, but I do feel the need to say sorry.

If it seems I'm taking it out on you in any way, please stop. Take a breath. Realise that sometimes everyone feels miserable and needs to work through it alone. That's where I am - just as I may want to comfort you and you know it's not what you need, the same is true for me.

You really can't help me with this any more than you already have. I DO appreciate the effort, and I know that you're there for me and you care.

I'm sorry if you feel hurt or cut off in any way - but its how I need to deal with this. I'll be ok in a day or so, I know it.
ebb: (Hurt)
( Feb. 4th, 2004 08:08 am)
I've a lot of changing to do this month. Changes that I'm determined to make, but that aren't going to be easy for me. Changes that are needed both for myself long term, and for any chance of my relationships to work. And in order to make those changes, to the level I think is required, I'm going to need what I ask for in return because we're talking pretty major overhaul of character here.

If someone turns round after months and months of bliss and tells you that they're unsure if they love you or not, it hurts. Majorly. It's something I'm dealing with, but it's far from easy. It's changed the relationship instantly. If I'm "in love", the physical aspects as well as the mental aspects of the relationship serve to re-confirm my feelings constantly. I don't and can't treat the two seperately. So I see physical affection from someone who's "in love" with me as the same.

If they're emotions have changed towards me, I can't, for my own sake, accept anywhere near the same level of affection from them because it's more to me than a kiss! It's "I love you", and if they aren't certain of that, it gives me mixed signals.

I may not doubt my own feelings towards [livejournal.com profile] sapphrine at all, but he isn't certain of his own towards me and until it's established, one way or another, how he does feel, certain things are hurtful which aren't at all meant to be. I can't accept any physical assurance from him, because I'll take it at the time to mean "we're ok, I love you, it's all fine now" - which it isn't by any means and I know it. So I'd rather avoid that pain, the conflict it causes in me.

So, all that said.... does that make sense to anyone else? How would you deal with a similar situation? Am I being unreasonable?
ebb: (Default)
( Feb. 1st, 2004 07:08 am)
Eucgh! My wonderful dreams.... it's just after seven, i finally went to sleep at about five, I still can't find my phone, I feel sick, there's no milk or loo role left, life is shit and I'm cold.

Aren't Sundays just wonderful.

-Edit- sorry - definately a case of first-thing-in-the-morning-grumps there. My phone has now been located thanks to my wonderful father. Toilet roll appeared with Ali. Milk - i'm off to get some soon and i'm drinking lots of coffee to stave the fatigue. And i no longer feel sick! Well, whatever else happens today i intend to sort out my room so there's an area of calm for me. I always need the comfort and privacy of my own physical space and it's far better if it's tidy and fresh, so I have cleaned my sheets (they smelled strongly of incense and aftershave which wasn't very restful last night) and will probably read for the majority of the day (i bought a tanith lee novel with fletch yesterday and wanna finish it) as it doesn't require much energy!

I'm thinking of heading into town tonight for a little while to catch up with Simon and Phil to see how last night panned out.... it was all going horribly pear shaped at one point so I hope it improved! It's not set in stone yet so if you've a "happy things em could do" suggestion, shout! I'll more than likely oblige - I don't want to sit around moping and intend to actually enjoy my free time.-/Edit-
ebb: (Default)
( Feb. 1st, 2004 01:11 am)
Please guys, this is hard enough without anyone talking to me about it. This is something that's going to take a lot of work between myself and [livejournal.com profile] sapphrine, and the last thing I want or need is any sympathy or concern. It distracts from what needs to be done and I don't want or need it.

I'm not sure who he's made his post open to, but it covers everything that needs to be said. If you can't see it, I'll sum up. We are on the verge of splitting up and it's currently on a knife edge. Yes, it is THAT serious.

Please respect both of us and give us our individual space and time to get this sorted out - the large part of which will be spent appart I think, so don't assume that if I'm alone that I'm lonely.

I'll ask for your view/opinion/help/concern if I feel I need or want it.

Thanks.

-Edit- Sorry if this sounds ungrateful, but it's what I truly need.
.

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