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Entry tags:
grounding
i'm so lucky to have such a supportive family. i've just talked a few things through with them and they've chilled me out no end. most people would go to their friends first and build up an external network. i'm privledged enough not to HAVE to do that, i've a wonderful support network at home which i sometimes forget about, and sometimes take for granted.
On an unrelated note: whilst lying in bed last night, lots of thoughts buzzing round my head, i've decided upon a lot of things. as discussed last night with a few people, i'm fed up of my past getting in the way of my present and future.
there's no excuse or reason. it's pathetic, anoying, angers me, depresses me, hurts others due to my stupid reactions to things, and is generally very negative.
the only person that can do anything about this is me. yes, i know - not exactly a revelation there. but i'm just so fed up of being the hurt shy sensitive sulky child that seems to bubble under the surface the second i'm the slightest bit unsure of something.
everyone gets nervous / shy / quiet yadda yadda at some point. but its the extent to which i take it that is utterly ridiculous. i'm not that person, i've no need for her. she was the produce of a long, painful relationship which ended a long time ago now. the negative thoughts are pure poison and i can ignore them. i just haven't, and i think that it had to get this bad for me to get utterly fed up myself with it.
i'm already on the verge of losing a wonderful person on this one. i don't honestly know what the outcome of that is going to be. i've betrayed his patience and trust and belief that it was, over time, going to improve. though it's painful to admit this, it's probably too late to reverse the damage this has caused our relationship. i hope not. but there's only so much patience you can have with anyone, no matter how much you care for them. i'll have to live with that - i've been the other side of it and i certainly don't blame him for feeling the way he does. i understand completely.
but it's not going to affect my life in future. there is no need for it to, it's a case of me letting go. i'm 23. i'm not exactly unattractive. i'm intelligent and articulate (ignore the grammar and punctuation today please!) and when i'm truly me, i can be logical, calm and look at a problem i'm facing and reach a solution. i'm an ADULT! yes, i get things wrong. yes, i make mistakes. i'm human deal with it!
but nooooooo. i've allowed myself to increasingly instead of decreasingly curl up into a ball and ignore the world like a child would, rather than deal with it. i don't blame other people for being fed up of that. i certainly am. it's frustrating and can no longer be excused. it's become my default way of dealing with things when i've had all the support and care i could possibly ever dream of having to try and help me out of it, help me become the person i want to be, and ultimately always was.
it's stupid - and i'm not. i need to give it up, let go and move on. i'm a big girl and there is NO way anything that's happened before is going to dictate my future and how i deal with problems for a second more.
On an unrelated note: whilst lying in bed last night, lots of thoughts buzzing round my head, i've decided upon a lot of things. as discussed last night with a few people, i'm fed up of my past getting in the way of my present and future.
there's no excuse or reason. it's pathetic, anoying, angers me, depresses me, hurts others due to my stupid reactions to things, and is generally very negative.
the only person that can do anything about this is me. yes, i know - not exactly a revelation there. but i'm just so fed up of being the hurt shy sensitive sulky child that seems to bubble under the surface the second i'm the slightest bit unsure of something.
everyone gets nervous / shy / quiet yadda yadda at some point. but its the extent to which i take it that is utterly ridiculous. i'm not that person, i've no need for her. she was the produce of a long, painful relationship which ended a long time ago now. the negative thoughts are pure poison and i can ignore them. i just haven't, and i think that it had to get this bad for me to get utterly fed up myself with it.
i'm already on the verge of losing a wonderful person on this one. i don't honestly know what the outcome of that is going to be. i've betrayed his patience and trust and belief that it was, over time, going to improve. though it's painful to admit this, it's probably too late to reverse the damage this has caused our relationship. i hope not. but there's only so much patience you can have with anyone, no matter how much you care for them. i'll have to live with that - i've been the other side of it and i certainly don't blame him for feeling the way he does. i understand completely.
but it's not going to affect my life in future. there is no need for it to, it's a case of me letting go. i'm 23. i'm not exactly unattractive. i'm intelligent and articulate (ignore the grammar and punctuation today please!) and when i'm truly me, i can be logical, calm and look at a problem i'm facing and reach a solution. i'm an ADULT! yes, i get things wrong. yes, i make mistakes. i'm human deal with it!
but nooooooo. i've allowed myself to increasingly instead of decreasingly curl up into a ball and ignore the world like a child would, rather than deal with it. i don't blame other people for being fed up of that. i certainly am. it's frustrating and can no longer be excused. it's become my default way of dealing with things when i've had all the support and care i could possibly ever dream of having to try and help me out of it, help me become the person i want to be, and ultimately always was.
it's stupid - and i'm not. i need to give it up, let go and move on. i'm a big girl and there is NO way anything that's happened before is going to dictate my future and how i deal with problems for a second more.