ebb

[Level - Public]

First and foremost,

Happy New Year
Here is to a good, peaceful one.

There have been quite a number of changes for me and my loved ones to deal with during 2005. I feel that it was often a bit of an uphill struggle but last night, it felt that we'd reached the sumit all as one and I'm convinced that whilst lots more changes are in store, they're going to be good ones (or at least, affirming ones which help you move on) rather than the chaos and confusion so many of you have known.

It was very difficult being away from devalmont who I missed terribly at midnight but I think this was the place for me to be. Next time round, wherever he is, I'm by his side as I doubt I could manage again. NYE is traditionally a couples night whereas Christmas is traditionally family. He is both and we didn't manage to be together either time.

Spending Christmas with my parents was very important to me this year and I'm really pleased I did. min_ki graduates this year and is unlikely to be able to get Christmas off. I've already decided that this year will be spent with devalmont and basically I think it will be some years before we're all able to be there at the same time again.

I spent my New Years surrounded by some of the most wonderful and amazing people I know and it was great to be together for what I think might be the last such comprehensive gathering. Lots of effort was generally made by people with costumes, the most impressive being reverend2001 with is Jareth impression. LOVED the wig!

These last 3 years in Brum have been fantastic due to a very special group of people who I miss dearly. It feels as if everyone is at a crossroads and different directions are on the cards for them all. So to everyone who came to HoG for the New Years party, thank you for making it a special last one for me. Next year, wherever devalmont is, I will be.

All the best for 2006.

_ebb_

xxx

I am feeling happy this morning. I have Nina on with my coffee, and I feel like sitting in a jazz bar all day drinking espresso. Ah well. Only a few more days to go!

Also, I'm exceedingly flattered to be asked, but I'm just not ready for even a close friendship with anyone else right now. So please don't! It's difficult to turn around and say no, especially to people who are so sweet. I don't know how long it's going to take to get to that point, and it would be dishonest to even guess.

[Edit - not everyone who should see this can, so I've made it public. I can assure you that names will NOT be mentioned, at least by me to put you at ease. Whether you chose to reveal who you are or not is up to you. :)]

Em x

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly strong.

I don't need anyone. I'd forgotten just how strong I can actually be. But it's great to know that people are there for you if you simply want them to help you.

( I don't mean to be cold.... )

This is quite strange!

I think that the more someone is there for you, gradually the more you just accept that they're going to be. That it's the done thing. ( You take it for granted. )

But when I'm single, I'm fierce! I just need to keep hold of this mindset - no, I'm not single. ( I've used someone as a crutch. )

Yes, I've got to find a ( balance. )

Ultimately, I'm doing this for me. ( Not him and not us. )

sapphrine - I look at him and think WOW! He's absolutely gorgeous. I love him to bits. But that's just it - he's HIM. ( He's not ME. )

I've been a drain and that's not a partnership. It's a death sentence.

But the more he's done it, the more I've let me, the more I've asked him, the more he's done it. ( It's been a vicious circle. )

Last night, he described it as ( 'going cold turkey', but in )

the nicest possible way, I don't want his help through this. I want to talk, lots, and explain what's happening in my mind. But not for any assurance or boosts, not for any comment on his part. Just to enable him to understand. I'm well and truly standing solo and it'd be great if we can continue as lovers and partners. He's a wonderful man. Take away all the shit I've put him through, take away the crap he's occasionally put me through, and I feel we've made a very successful couple. It really can only get better.

And right now, I know that no matter what happens, our relationship will improve. ( Even if we become just friends. )

I feel I've walked away from the creature I'd allowed myself to become, and I feel confident about me and my future - whether or not it lies in sapphrines direction remains to be seen, and I hope it does. Whatever the outcome, it's going to be fun and I'm going to enjoy it!