ebb

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A rather belated HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you firstly.
Secondly, resolutions are something I never keep so I won't be making any.
Thirdly, I have now returned from my countrywide zip about (though I'm sorry for missing pubbage tonight, but

devalmont and I really needed some together time).

This means a further two things;

deborah_c, I am at your disposal this week. Let me know when is good (if you haven't already, which I'm about to check).

gandalf_t_black - tomorrow evening would be favourable. Also, I could really do with catching up with the rest of you too which I'm hoping will happen soon.

In brief, I had two lovely family Christmases and a great catch-up with friends in my home town (some of whom I hadn't seen for literally years) at New Years. I'll try to do a proper write-up soon but I'm off now to return to

devalmont - foodage then dvdness I think.

Oh! And

min_ki - when you read this, if you're in North Carolina make sure you post? I'd love to know how you're getting on (and thanks for talking with me earlier, it really helped).

Current Mood: calm

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First and foremost,

Happy New Year
Here is to a good, peaceful one.

There have been quite a number of changes for me and my loved ones to deal with during 2005. I feel that it was often a bit of an uphill struggle but last night, it felt that we'd reached the sumit all as one and I'm convinced that whilst lots more changes are in store, they're going to be good ones (or at least, affirming ones which help you move on) rather than the chaos and confusion so many of you have known.

It was very difficult being away from

devalmont who I missed terribly at midnight but I think this was the place for me to be. Next time round, wherever he is, I'm by his side as I doubt I could manage again. NYE is traditionally a couples night whereas Christmas is traditionally family. He is both and we didn't manage to be together either time.

Spending Christmas with my parents was very important to me this year and I'm really pleased I did.

min_ki graduates this year and is unlikely to be able to get Christmas off. I've already decided that this year will be spent with

devalmont and basically I think it will be some years before we're all able to be there at the same time again.

I spent my New Years surrounded by some of the most wonderful and amazing people I know and it was great to be together for what I think might be the last such comprehensive gathering. Lots of effort was generally made by people with costumes, the most impressive being

reverend2001 with is Jareth impression. LOVED the wig!

These last 3 years in Brum have been fantastic due to a very special group of people who I miss dearly. It feels as if everyone is at a crossroads and different directions are on the cards for them all. So to everyone who came to HoG for the New Years party, thank you for making it a special last one for me. Next year, wherever

devalmont is, I will be.

All the best for 2006.

_ebb_

xxx

Current Mood: thirsty

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Please excuse me. I'm a little sad right now. Having attempted an lj catch-up, I've found quite a number of entries which have left me feeling more down than I did at

devalmont's departure.

( For those of you who are dreading Valentines.... )

Secondly, I read the journal of a lady who had died. Her partner has continued it, speaking with love and compassion at what I can only imagine must be an incredibly difficult time for him. I shan't put it here but

sapphrine lead me to it. It's fragile and beautiful.

Thirdly, as a result of all of this, I remembered how lucky I am.

( I'm loved, truly, and that is so rare I don't know where to start being thankful for it. )

I looked at lj in a vain bid to perk myself up. It hasn't worked. But only because I realise how special my life is and how easily that can go wrong.

I really am so sorry there isn't more I can do or say to help most of you. Right now, I feel rather useless and guilty.

You seem to have such sweet and fond memories of me, have been so kind and caring towards me and so happy for me - I hope I can be happy for you too. Whether you choose to be single, married, have children, have several partners... I wish you could be ok. No, scrub that. I wish you could feel wonderful. You all deserve to.

Thank you, all of you, for being there. For being you.

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Enriquie - Hero (Spainish) (DON'T laugh)

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I was up at 5am this morning. To straighten my hair. At about half five, I realised I don't currently have a hair dryer. Piddle. So I've had a long shower, taken my time, ironed things and am now able to go to work early to get help with the interview being held tomorrow. I LOVE my boss, he's so cool!

Other than this, last night I had the most wonderful conversation with a wonderful person. I've missed them. It was great to chat for so long, and I'm looking forward to their visit. Over a year since we parted company and it's all been laid to rest long ago. Thank you for listening and helping, it was perfect.

"Words are very unnecessary - they can all lead to harm" - how utterly true.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence

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I woke up this morning feeling incredibly strong.

I don't need anyone. I'd forgotten just how strong I can actually be. But it's great to know that people are there for you if you simply want them to help you.

( I don't mean to be cold.... )

This is quite strange!

I think that the more someone is there for you, gradually the more you just accept that they're going to be. That it's the done thing. ( You take it for granted. )

But when I'm single, I'm fierce! I just need to keep hold of this mindset - no, I'm not single. ( I've used someone as a crutch. )

Yes, I've got to find a ( balance. )

Ultimately, I'm doing this for me. ( Not him and not us. )

sapphrine - I look at him and think WOW! He's absolutely gorgeous. I love him to bits. But that's just it - he's HIM. ( He's not ME. )I've been a drain and that's not a partnership. It's a death sentence.

But the more he's done it, the more I've let me, the more I've asked him, the more he's done it. ( It's been a vicious circle. )

Last night, he described it as ( 'going cold turkey', but in ) the nicest possible way, I don't want his help through this. I want to talk, lots, and explain what's happening in my mind. But not for any assurance or boosts, not for any comment on his part. Just to enable him to understand. I'm well and truly standing solo and it'd be great if we can continue as lovers and partners. He's a wonderful man. Take away all the shit I've put him through, take away the crap he's occasionally put me through, and I feel we've made a very successful couple. It really can only get better.

And right now, I know that no matter what happens, our relationship will improve. ( Even if we become just friends. )

I feel I've walked away from the creature I'd allowed myself to become, and I feel confident about me and my future - whether or not it lies in

sapphrines direction remains to be seen, and I hope it does. Whatever the outcome, it's going to be fun and I'm going to enjoy it!

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Angels & Agony - Eternal Entity

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( Why is it that when you're feeling low, people tend to assume it's about them? )

You have been warned.

Current Mood: angry

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2007 is upon us...

So it is now 2006...

mope

Early start.

Revelation

How I work....

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