ebb

[Level - B (now made Public)]

Please excuse me. I'm a little sad right now. Having attempted an lj catch-up, I've found quite a number of entries which have left me feeling more down than I did at devalmont's departure.

( For those of you who are dreading Valentines.... )

Secondly, I read the journal of a lady who had died. Her partner has continued it, speaking with love and compassion at what I can only imagine must be an incredibly difficult time for him. I shan't put it here but sapphrine lead me to it. It's fragile and beautiful.

Thirdly, as a result of all of this, I remembered how lucky I am.

( I'm loved, truly, and that is so rare I don't know where to start being thankful for it. )

I looked at lj in a vain bid to perk myself up. It hasn't worked. But only because I realise how special my life is and how easily that can go wrong.

I really am so sorry there isn't more I can do or say to help most of you. Right now, I feel rather useless and guilty.

You seem to have such sweet and fond memories of me, have been so kind and caring towards me and so happy for me - I hope I can be happy for you too. Whether you choose to be single, married, have children, have several partners... I wish you could be ok. No, scrub that. I wish you could feel wonderful. You all deserve to.

Thank you, all of you, for being there. For being you.

I am feeling happy this morning. I have Nina on with my coffee, and I feel like sitting in a jazz bar all day drinking espresso. Ah well. Only a few more days to go!

Also, I'm exceedingly flattered to be asked, but I'm just not ready for even a close friendship with anyone else right now. So please don't! It's difficult to turn around and say no, especially to people who are so sweet. I don't know how long it's going to take to get to that point, and it would be dishonest to even guess.

[Edit - not everyone who should see this can, so I've made it public. I can assure you that names will NOT be mentioned, at least by me to put you at ease. Whether you chose to reveal who you are or not is up to you. :)]

Em x