ebb

[Level - Public]

And so it arrives (or at least, is almost here!). ( All about the dreaded V word... )

Looking back over lj and my post last year I think the sentiments still ring true - I hope that you all get the happiness you deserve, whether that's being blissfully single or otherwise.

NB - if there are, as usual, a plethora of crush questionnaires about to hit lj, my advice would be only admit the ones you'd admit to others. They usually sell the information on later. Being a sensible girl who only has room for one wonderful person, this doesn't affect me but just keep it in mind!

[Level - Public]

First and foremost,

Happy New Year
Here is to a good, peaceful one.

There have been quite a number of changes for me and my loved ones to deal with during 2005. I feel that it was often a bit of an uphill struggle but last night, it felt that we'd reached the sumit all as one and I'm convinced that whilst lots more changes are in store, they're going to be good ones (or at least, affirming ones which help you move on) rather than the chaos and confusion so many of you have known.

It was very difficult being away from devalmont who I missed terribly at midnight but I think this was the place for me to be. Next time round, wherever he is, I'm by his side as I doubt I could manage again. NYE is traditionally a couples night whereas Christmas is traditionally family. He is both and we didn't manage to be together either time.

Spending Christmas with my parents was very important to me this year and I'm really pleased I did. min_ki graduates this year and is unlikely to be able to get Christmas off. I've already decided that this year will be spent with devalmont and basically I think it will be some years before we're all able to be there at the same time again.

I spent my New Years surrounded by some of the most wonderful and amazing people I know and it was great to be together for what I think might be the last such comprehensive gathering. Lots of effort was generally made by people with costumes, the most impressive being reverend2001 with is Jareth impression. LOVED the wig!

These last 3 years in Brum have been fantastic due to a very special group of people who I miss dearly. It feels as if everyone is at a crossroads and different directions are on the cards for them all. So to everyone who came to HoG for the New Years party, thank you for making it a special last one for me. Next year, wherever devalmont is, I will be.

All the best for 2006.

_ebb_

xxx

I've a lot of changing to do this month. Changes that I'm determined to make, but that aren't going to be easy for me. Changes that are needed both for myself long term, and for any chance of my relationships to work. And in order to make those changes, to the level I think is required, I'm going to need what I ask for in return because we're talking pretty major overhaul of character here.

If someone turns round after months and months of bliss and tells you that they're unsure if they love you or not, it hurts. Majorly. It's something I'm dealing with, but it's far from easy. It's changed the relationship instantly. If I'm "in love", the physical aspects as well as the mental aspects of the relationship serve to re-confirm my feelings constantly. I don't and can't treat the two seperately. So I see physical affection from someone who's "in love" with me as the same.

If they're emotions have changed towards me, I can't, for my own sake, accept anywhere near the same level of affection from them because it's more to me than a kiss! It's "I love you", and if they aren't certain of that, it gives me mixed signals.

I may not doubt my own feelings towards sapphrine at all, but he isn't certain of his own towards me and until it's established, one way or another, how he does feel, certain things are hurtful which aren't at all meant to be. I can't accept any physical assurance from him, because I'll take it at the time to mean "we're ok, I love you, it's all fine now" - which it isn't by any means and I know it. So I'd rather avoid that pain, the conflict it causes in me.

So, all that said.... does that make sense to anyone else? How would you deal with a similar situation? Am I being unreasonable?